The Fear Never Goes Away

A few weeks ago I had the scare of my life.  I thought that all my fears and  worries have been put to rest, but the ugly monster always manages to show his head.

After my radiation and chemo treatments, I went into early menopause.  What does this mean? It means that I no longer menstruate, I get hot flashes, I get some mood swings and I'm infertile among other things.

So now, I have not menstruated for almost three years.  I have taken a conscious commitment to take care of myself by eating healthier, exercising and doing everything I can to lead a healthy life, and then--all of sudden--I start bleeding.   WTH??? Is it back?!?! Is the cancer back??

Needless to say I went into panic mode thinking nothing but the worse.  At first, I didn't know what to do.  Do I cry? Do I scream? I don't want to go through it again... Please God, not again.

After composing myself somewhat, I thought, "OK lets take the artillery out.  Where is my shotgun?".  I tell my partner in crime, my husband, about my incident.  He stared at me and his facial expressions said it all, they showed FEAR, but like always he managed to give me comfort with his words.

I grabbed my cell phone and I sent an email to my wonderful doctor.  He is great at answering all my emails but this time he couldn't answer me fast enough.  Anyway, after 7 minutes, which felt like an eternity,  I get an email back from him:

Hi Patti,
Its likely nothing to worry about. Why don't you come in tomorrow and
we'll take a look.

Nothing to worry about?? Ummm!! I trust him, so I had to get a hold of myself and wait...

"Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death" ~ Unknown

Tomorrow couldn't have come fast enough, but it was here.  I kept saying to myself over and over "I am ready to hear whatever it is?"

My examination went as usual and then he said: "I don't see anything suspicious.  It looks pretty clear, but I took a pap test to make sure."

After hearing his words I broke into tears.  Even though I had to wait for the results of the pap test, I felt a relief after hearing his words.  So why the bleeding?  Well, according to my doctor it can be caused by a secondary effect  from the radiation even three years later or by the strenuous exercise that I have been doing. Wow! Unbelievable.

My doctor called me with the results of the pap test a week later and gave me the good news that everything was NEGATIVE. I have NOT bled since and I'm feeling good.

It is amazing to me that as time goes by we put our fears on the back burner, but it takes one incident to bring them all back.  We relive every step of the battle and we fear for our lives all over again. The fear never goes away, but we have to learn not to let it take over.  We have to move forward and be grateful  for every day. 

"To fear is one thing.  To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another." 
~ Katherine Paterson

1 comment:

  1. As women our age we live with fear every time we go to any doctor. I anxiously check my mail everyday after a mammogram. Until I see the letter stating that all is negative I can sleep normally once again until the next time.